Feel free to move this wherever it needs to go. I don't care.

******TRIGGER******

Something happened today that I feel l need to get off my chest.

I met a guy my age a couple weeks ago on a forum for people with Autism and Asperger's. He was great. Smart, funny, not afraid to answer my questions regarding my diagnosis. I felt like it was ok to ask these questions and I just liked talking to him. It made me feel ok to be myself around people my age. It felt better knowing he has Asperger's too.

Yesterday, I logged onto the forum and discovered a PM in my inbox. This wasn't unusual since we'd been messaging back and forth almost daily for a couple weeks. It turned out to be him asking if I had a Facebook account. I thought, cool. This guy wants to see what I look like in real life. Ok. I sent him the link to my page and we became "friends".

A couple hours later, he IMed me and we started talking. We messaged back and forth for over three hours. In that time, I got to know a lot about him. He told me about his band and his own experiences with Asperger's, bullying and self-injury. It felt great to meet someone so similar to me. As our conversation grew longer and more deep, I began to find myself becoming attracted to him physically. He's gorgeous. A month younger than me, he has long, curly dark hair and glasses. I fall for boys like this. It felt so great.

Toward the end of our conversation, we began talking about sexual stuff. I have never been involved in any type of romantic relationship, so naturally I've become quite curious about my own body over the years. He's had more experience with this stuff than I have, and he told me about the times he's been with girls and what he did with them. I didn't mind, really. Human sexuality is very interesting to me, intellectually. I'm very interested in taking classes in college. It's just intriguing to me. He was quite surprised at how comfortable I was talking about this stuff, and I reassured him it was ok. I didn't know he was planning to discuss what he'd like US to do together, though.

I'll spare the nitty gritty details of our conversation. He told me how much he'd like to have sex with me, and how upset he was that we live so far away. (about 600 miles apart) Of course it wasn't all him - I lent my fair share to our conversation as well, so I can't blame him. After awhile I sent him a picture of myself in jeans and a tee shirt, just to get an idea of his reaction to me. I told him about my body image issues. He reassured me that it was ok, that I had a "hot body" and how cute he thought I was.

At this point it was around 3:00 in the morning, and he asked to log off for the night to go to bed. Before leaving, he gently asked if I would send him nude pictures. Of course..what guy doesn't want this? I didn't say anything, hoping he'd forget. This is where I start to blame myself, and rightly so. He persisted, telling me how great I looked and how much he liked my breasts. I know it's a cliche to say this, but I honestly felt like I had to do it for him. How pathetic is that? I felt that I was lucky to receive attention from such an attractive guy, and that if he told me he didn't mind my weight (I'm about 50 lbs overweight), then he must mean it.

I took the pictures, in pants and a bra at first. I sent them. He came back online after getting my email and told me that he liked them. Later that night he requested more, this time of my entire chest (I cringe here). I took them too. I felt like I didn't have a choice. I loved his attention, and craved my first (albeit virtual) sexual encounter. I finally went to sleep at 5:30, waking up 5 hours later to check my email for a response from him about the second set of pictures.

Early this afternoon, I logged on Facebook and we continued to talk. He told me how much he liked the pictures, how "hot" they were, and asked me when he was going to get to see "all of me". (my words here because I think the word that he really used is better left out of a site like PC)
I was so embarrassed, but I reasoned with myself that it really is no big deal, that he won't share them with anyone who knows me in real life, blah blah blah. I actually took these pictures and sent them. I cannot describe how dirty and low I feel about this, except that I can't blame anyone but myself for my actions.

A couple hours ago, we started talking about this stuff in greater detail. He told me that we should do something really fun, called "sexting". Honestly, this excited me. As we did this, he told me how good it made him feel and how much he was getting off on our conversation. I really did feel alright at this time. It's just a conversation, right? Halfway into it, he asked if we could use the video chat feature on Facebook so that he could "get the most out of it" or something. He'd asked me a few times to go on video with him, but I refused. I guess I gave in just because I was afraid to tell him no. Sheesh.

While on video, he proceeded to finish what he was doing (you know what he was doing), and asked me to keep describing the way I would make love to him. This lasted a good 10 minutes, but it felt like forever. He asked me to show him my breasts and the rest of my body, and to touch myself. I stupidly did what he asked. During this time, my thoughts drifted to my therapist, my friends, my parents. My dead grandmother watching all this from the Astral Plane. What would these good, wholesome people think of what I'm doing? What would they do if they knew? He finished and turned off the camera so we could go back to just IMing. We talked for a little while, and then he went to bed.



Ok, I know that by now you guys are probably thinking "SLUT!", so I'll save the self-pitying reasons why I thought this would be a good idea. I just came here to get this off my chest. I can't stop thinking about it, haven't been able to since I woke up this morning. There could be a million reasons why I dumbly decided to go along with this. Desire for affection from an attractive person? Big time. Need to feel sexually attractive myself? Yes. They're all there. All throughout this process I tried to stifle my inner voice that kept telling me how wrong this was. I just wanted to feel sexy, and it went too far. Did he take advantage of me, or is it my fault for leading him on and not telling him no from the very beginning? I never thought I'd end up being this kind of girl.

Please, save me the insults if they aren't constructive. I know what I did was wrong. Why am I so afraid to tell him no? What if he wants more? He already asked me when I'm going to be online tomorrow. I just wish our conversation last night had ended before things got weird. And yet, a part of me feels complimented by his words.

Thoughts here? Please? And tell me, should I tell this story to my therapist? Would that help?