I know but I am alone as a single parent now. My husband left me 4 years ago and now I feel so afraid to remarry until I have this resolved. I believe that my lack of family is to blame for my inability to function as a wife. My family was never close, we never listened to each other, we couldn't hug each other without feeling strange. My husband always said it drove him nuts and I was as cold as ice. He hasn't found much better but I still feel I am without faith in my ability to change my chances of having a loving family until I do. So I go on being lonely. It hurts like hell and I worry it will be my kids destiny. I don't want them to resent me for never having the family they could have had. I guess this is just like living in a fairy tale and most families don't have these close relationships, but I ache like you say in the presence of my family at holidays. Like you said it is worse to go than not, but I also ache being alone. I just can't wait till the holiday is over.