(I copied this from another post to give Determined the attention she deserves without detracting from Oziad's thread)

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I know but I am alone as a single parent now. My husband left me 4 years ago and now I feel so afraid to remarry until I have this resolved. I believe that my lack of family is to blame for my inability to function as a wife. My family was never close, we never listened to each other, we couldn't hug each other without feeling strange. My husband always said it drove him nuts and I was as cold as ice. He hasn't found much better but I still feel I am without faith in my ability to change my chances of having a loving family until I do. So I go on being lonely. It hurts like hell and I worry it will be my kids destiny. I don't want them to resent me for never having the family they could have had. I guess this is just like living in a fairy tale and most families don't have these close relationships, but I ache like you say in the presence of my family at holidays. Like you said it is worse to go than not, but I also ache being alone. I just can't wait till the holiday is over.

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Determined, I am very, very sorry to hear of your split with your husband. My ex-husband also left me and I know how badly it destroys the ego and our self-confidence.

However, one thing you said caught my eye:
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now I feel so afraid to remarry until I have this resolved. I believe that my lack of family is to blame for my inability to function as a wife. .... My husband always said it drove him nuts and I was as cold as ice.

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My ex-husband also complained about aspects of my personality that were based on how I was raised. His complaints weren't the same, but the point is that both of our ex's complained that their needs weren't being met, and it has left both of us feeling as though we weren't whole women who were capable of meeting a man's needs in a relationship.

However, that is SO NOT TRUE. I did start dating (rebounding, actually) and it was one of the best healing experiences I could have created for myself. What I learned is that every man is looking for something different in their ideal partner. Since my ex had been my only adult relationship, I kind of assumed that everybody else would want the same things that he did, and when I started dating, it was SO REFRESHING to find out that I was wrong about that!

We all have things about our past that would be helpful to our current relationships if we worked on resolving them. I don't want to discourage that at all. But, the point is that we ALL have some unresolved issues, and it would have to be pretty extreme before I'd recommend that anyone hold off on getting into a new relationship before resolving them.

Do you want to talk about this more? What have you tried already?

Hugs,
LMo