sigh... bad bad trigger today--
well two triggers at around the same time-- and one very bad bad trigger that I can't seem to say "i am ok, I am in a safe place"....IDK If that all fits into here but one thing does I think...

Bad thoughts, bad thoughts coupled with-- some times thought of- "well if i was still using drugs I would not care so much-- I would be carrying the big ol' knife I used to always carry with me-- and No problem with trouble makers.... '~ bad *** drug addict Beauflow~'.."

I looked mean when I was doing a lot of coke and just getting high on anything-- I had that deep dead stair that even got some ex-cons to say -- damn your scary... wouldn't turn my back on you in a fight.

But the reality of it is is -yeah right :rollseyes:

I was never a fighter lets be honest-- But at least that was one side of when on the hard drugs-- I did Believe I could take someone on- Mess them up-- of course I was literally high all the time!!

Now days though-- geez, I know this is due to my past with things, and I suspect part of the heavy drug use that I did and things that happened while on heavy drug use-- but I am so fragile in a sense, and I do not have that confidence -- These days I don't think like I used to; I don't have that dead cold star like I got nothin to lose, so game on- I don't think I could take on someone that would attack me.. I would fight no doubt (or I hope) but not like I thought when high...
Though with what happened to day and me freezing like I did-- IDK if i would be able to fight back these days....

this upsets me on several levels as I am sure some can understand a little.

But I need to remember that the drug Beauflow, was delusional in her own way... that the dead cold star those empty eyes of nothing to lose, it may had made me mean in a sense back then-- but it is not good--

I guess today it is the confidence that i Used to have which ALSO Coupled with drug use-- IS HOW I lost that Confidence if that makes any sense.

some what feel like a real failure right now-- I know I always say I try best not to regret the drugs that I did- that journey that i did with them- I realize it was horrible but I learned a lot of things... and that there-- learning a lot-- is what and why I don't regret
I would not have learned the things that I did (I don't believe) with out that journey that I did.. But right now with the realization (which is not the first time) that part of my confidence was lost in that life style and usage.. it hurts a lot right now with the other triggers that happened today...

I am sorry if this does not fully fit here-- but I don't want to start a thread about it-- it is part of past drug addiction, past drug useage, out come and all.... I know deeper things as well..

I will remind myself that this to shall pass.