Darkheart, i was the same until this last year. Always mixed, dysphoric mania or whatever they want to call it. So i really do feel for you there. Not only is it a horrible state to be in, but it really really complicates the med treatment as well which i am sure you are more than fully aware.

I did that dance for about 7 years. I really lost my ability to understand why anyone would welcome mania. But just remember that it can also turn around. I thought the rest of my life was going to look like that. But it has turned around, finally. I really hope the same will happen for you. I hooe you can get treatment soon. Even with all the treatment I had, that didnt really help me too much. The meds always incresed the symptoms, or made me into such a zombie that i really wasn't functioing aside from psychomotor aggitation. I know some people are luckier with the meds than i was.