Quote:
Originally Posted by gettingby
Does anyone else do this? I feel like I over-analyze every single thing I do and how I do it. I hate the way I speak, I hate the way I write, I hate the way I gesture. I look at other people as, I guess, inspiration and think, "how would they speak?"
Sometimes I think I am coming off too nice or needy or desperate and think, I need to tone it down a bit, but then I worry I am coming off too cold or distant. It's a constant struggle.
I've been struggling with who I "am" the past couple of years.
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I DO this, YES! This is definitely something I do. I know that one of the symptoms of BPD is that we have a poor sense of SELF and/or identity. We will take on traits and values of others we relate to. I am constantly 'redefining' myself. Oh, bob is so interesting and funny and smart, I better act like bob , I will be also interesting and funny and smart.
The thing is, I AM HERE. I AM ME! I am autonomous. It's my PERCEPTION of me that is shifting, not the real me.
I relate completely to what you're saying gettingby. It's hard, just remember that you are interesting and intelligent. You do have things that are interesting to say and write! You are lovable! For me, I have the same thoughts about myself, but I have to remind myself that I DO EXIST, it is my perception of myself that is unhealthy, that's all.
What I do is write down things that I KNOW are true about myself right NOW. (I don't worry about what I'll feel tomorrow). You can do it too if you want, tell us more about yourself! (You can do it here or in a journal or on a piece of paper and rip it up and throw it away) Don't feel you have to do it, I'm just relating my experience.
For instance, right now I know that I am a person who is working on myself toward health. I'm a musician who plays guitar. I'm an artist. I love hiking and rainy days, I like to play in the dirt and garden. I feel like a little kid when I'm outside. I love reading books about almost anything. Apples are my favorite fruit. I love to make people laugh. I love to help others.
These are a few things; so tell us about yourself if you want to! I'm sure you'll find you are far more interesting than you give yourself credit for. We have to be SO gentle on ourselves in this healing process. I am sending positive thoughts your way.
