Quote:
Originally Posted by LydiaB
(trigger mentions abuse)
I am just having like a hard time with this. Understanding how thankful I am to be alive. Understanding that without my system I wouldn't be. Understanding how thankful I am for the ability of my mind to even be able to form a system.
As a child I was sold by neighbors to strangers. And I remember other kids being part of that that were kidnapped and taken away from their homes, but I got to stay and I always question "what did I do that allowed me to stay". My protectors. And when that cult tried to brainwash me, who told them no? My protectors. And when I grew up and could have chosen every crappy guy on earth, because of my self esteem, who protected me? And who stopped me from killing myself with an eating disorder? Seven years I spent in and out of inpatient units, for it to disappear overnight. When I wanted to die, who put me to sleep each and every time? I am 25 and I have never been drunk. I have never had a heart break. I have never crashed a car, or got in a fight. I've never watched somebody I love, walk away. Because they protect me from all of that. They bare all things painful.
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I'm not sure what you mean lydia....heres my problem you write you are having great problem with understanding how thankful you are but then you write in great detail about all the great things...here when someone is having trouble understanding the positive feeling like being thankful they dont see any positives, they only see the negative side of the disorder, the negatives that having alters gave to them... your post about how much having DID has helped you showed you understand, are thankful and feel thankful to all that your alters have helped you with.
thankful is a feeling, and how people show they understand and appreciate what has been done for them by doing exactly what you did here in this post...acknowledge the positives and give credit where credit is due.
Im wondering if you mean you are having trouble understanding how a perceived negative like having a mental disorder can have so many positives...
thats where this thankful issue came for me.. I had trouble understanding how the positives that my alters gave to me came from the negative of being abused, the negative of my mind tearing apart, walling off my feelings and memories, and in general the negative of having a mental disorder...
then my therapist had me try something, my alters were part of me, they came from me, they were me before my mind tore a part, and they are/were still a part of me. then she had me write out the conflicting statements I was having and then substitute the word "I" for any alters names, any thing I was contributing as a positive thing the alters did for me...
using one of your sentences it looked like this...
who told them no?.......I told them no.
who protected me?......I protected me
When I wanted to die, who put me to sleep each and every time?.....when I wanted to die I put me to sleep each and every time....
then things made more sense to me...it didnt always ****feel*** like me or I didn those things but the reality was it was me that dissociated. and my use of dissociation was what protected me, gave me the ability to survive, gave me the ability to say no when logistics and fear would not allow me to do so without dissociating.
my therapist sat in front of me and said...****You*** are an amazing woman who found a way, the only way to survive.. ****you**** protected and self nurtured yourself...***You*** did all that, to which you contribute to your alters.
it took some time but I believed her and it made things easier for me to accept when the positive side of things came up..
now Im going to say it to you...
Lydia ***You*** protected yourself, ***You*** did all those things you are contributing to your alters... what an amazing person you are.
now for this statement in your post....
"Seven years I spent in and out of inpatient units, for it to disappear overnight."
yes that says it all doesnt it...7 long yrs of facing your pain, trauma's, heartaches, and yourself and suddenly one day you find yourself whole again. thats exactly how I felt...the "wow Ive made it through and look at all I had to go through to reach here...amazing"
so happy for you.
give the rest to come time, everything will fall into place, but it will happen for you ....one step at a time.