hmm, thanks for bringing this up carmasia, I think it's very important.

I've not felt this here, yet (as you say before.) But perhaps have felt it a bit in other online places. I want to have friends, but I'm very afraid, I would not know what to do if they rejected me (or if I had the illusion that they did--even in this anonymous, plutonic realm).

My partner, who I've mentioned in my initial post, is an experienced mental health worker, and in supporting me has warned me of this: "remember to keep your boundaries in online venues. you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. By all means be honest and open, look for support, but keep some boundaries." This has to include boundaries in my own head, even though I desire to have friends, help people, and form new bonds, I have to put my recovery first. Boundaries does not mean isolation to me, it just means that I'm putting something in place that 'healthy' people have. I can't give too much of myself, but I have to give enough for the maintenance of a friendship , this is balance.

I think for here, carmasia, I have to remind myself that I am here for the same reasons everyone else is. This common goal of health and support is why we are all here, I can stay focused on that. I can't have expectations, that is a great way to set myself up for dissapointments. I am like you, want to have friends, I just don't know how to process feelings around that. I have said before, I push people away or stand back to retain my autonomy, but crave 'intimacy'. It's a constant struggle.

Again, I remind myself to be gentle with myself...be as gentle with others as I am with myself, too. I need to remember I'm here because I have a disorder/illness, the other people here have it too, they understand...this place has yet to feel judging and rejecting. But I have to always remember that expectations will bring me nowhere (they are just dissapointments waiting to happen). At least with the online thing I can really think about what I do before I do it. So that is a positive aspect for me.

Interestingly, I play Wow! I currently play (holy paladin). I ended up making my own guild with a few people I know in real life who struggle with their own mental health problems. We all KNOW we have problems, we accept eachother's idiosyncrocies and come together to just focus on the game and relax. By putting our focus on the game, we don't have to have too many intimate things going on, but we're there for eachother. (This is what I mean by a common focus/goal). I was in a large guild for awhile and it felt weird, so I decided to just distance myself and do my own thing , it's been pretty fun since.

This is what I can offer at least, maybe you can get something from it. Very healing thoughts being sent your way carmasia.