Trigger warning for talking about sex (kind of explictly)

I would identify myself as "queer" or I guess, bisexual. Lately, I have been getting physically involved with one of my good female friends, and this brings up a lot of issues for me having to do with sex. I completely never thought I could bring this up with T, especially because I am almost 100% sure she is straight, just based on things she's said in the past. I had been thinking about, on my way to session, that sex with a woman is, IMO, a lot more intimate than with a man, and I guess you could say I have issues with intimacy. I have been intoxicated for the majority of my sexual encounters, for example.

So I get to T and she brought up my feelings/involvement for this friend, which I had mentioned in an email, and I had told her I felt "freaked out" by it. I She was asking me why, and I told her I didn't want to make her uncomfortable or become disgusted with me. Plus, talking about sex, especially in a way that is not jocular or dismissive, but actually talking about it in a substantial manner, can be hard.

But....I actually ended up talking to her about it, about how I feel that being with a woman is more intimate, and that scares me. About how I feel disgusted whenever someone likes me in a sexual way. About how I don't feel anything the majority of the time I have sex. She told me she wouldn't feel disgusted or uncomfortable, and she did ask me some pretty direct questions. I told her when you have sex with a man, it isn't complicated, that all you have to do is lie there. She asked me if I liked doing sexual things with men, not just having sex. One of the things she asked me was if "I enjoy performing fellatio." This made me laugh inside, because it is so like her to use the proper term for it (I just say blow job). SHe told me we could talk about anything, that I shouldn't be uncomfortable that we could talk about hte color and consistency of my crap if I wanted to.

Maybe some of these things sound innapropriate, but to me, it felt great to be able to talk to her about some of my issues involving sex. And to be able to talk about it somewhat explictly, and talk about specific sexual acts, felt very freeing and comforting. It led me to talk to her about my experiences while stripping, and how I could just turn myself off, mentally and emotionally, while giving lapdances/being in champagne rooms. I even started to tell her about something that had happened to me a couple years back that I kind of erased from my memory, something to do with sex work. It was something that, 6 months ago, I could never have imagined discussing. Unfortunately, I ended up getting stuck and frozen and unable to talk about this thing once I started, we ended up having to go over time because I just kind of froze (I do that occasionally.) But still...it felt good to be able to talk to her about it. Something I never thought I could talk to her about, but I did today, and she was OK with it.