lol

Well, all of my T's Pro Tem who answered, thanks so much! I am feeling compulsive in relation to feeling huge emotions and contacting my xT - who I now call xMachiavelliT, as he wanted to tell me to get the hell out straight to my face, just as he wanted his toxic mother gone, and with me his manipulative means justified the ends. I am upset with myself because I still want to contact him even though he could care less if I live or die. Why do I even care? Why can't I control this? I don't think I will ever get over what he has done? He would say, am I the one doing this to you? The answer is yes, he was. He would be invalidating my pain right now in hopes that in hurting me I would leave. I can't deal with this, I don't want to. I keep posting how I feel, and I honestly don't even know how to get through this, or if I even want to.