Quote:
Originally Posted by Antimatter
lol
Well, all of my T's Pro Tem who answered, thanks so much! I am feeling compulsive in relation to feeling huge emotions and contacting my xT - who I now call xMachiavelliT, as he wanted to tell me to get the hell out straight to my face, just as he wanted his toxic mother gone, and with me his manipulative means justified the ends. I am upset with myself because I still want to contact him even though he could care less if I live or die. Why do I even care? Why can't I control this? I don't think I will ever get over what he has done? He would say, am I the one doing this to you? The answer is yes, he was. He would be invalidating my pain right now in hopes that in hurting me I would leave. I can't deal with this, I don't want to. I keep posting how I feel, and I honestly don't even know how to get through this, or if I even want to.
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Your last sentence says a lot to me Anti Matter. I mean maybe this is something that you have done in the past. This is going to sound cruel but it is something that T1 addressed about my behaviour. My need to hurt myself, I didn't believe it at first but she was right, I kept texting my ex for months after the affair and saying horrible things to her only for her to attack me or just ignore me- leaving me feeling rejected and abandoned and I did this for a long time until I realised, actually I am doing this to myself because if I just didn't text her I wouldn't feel this bad. Maybe if you hadn't of contacted him you wouldn't feel rejected now?
I know its hard to hear and I am trying to help here because I care about this self destruction mode(t called it self sabotage).