Warning: VERY long (sorry!) and definitely triggering.
At least there is abundant use of paragraphic breaks.

Been feeling I should write about this chaos, seeing how if anyone will understand/relate it's you guys, but have hesitated, as it's way more than am usually willing to share. Will spare you the myriad details of getting to this point (...and they all sighed with profound relief...) It's been going for the better part of a month and it's really gotten to be something and a half. Right now (before 10,000 edits) it is almost 5 am. Am I tired? Not at all. "All night" is the mentally sharpest time of the "day". By far. All week, it's been 4, 5, 6:30... then having to make myself go to sleep with sedative alchemy. (When used earlier, it has no effect.) Read and post all night blabbering on and on and even thinking some silly funnies. And I don't want to stop. Why? Because when I get up the next day, I will be beyond miserable. Throw in the air, then mix and match: catatonic, self-loathing, a carpet F-bombing piece of work spewing self-flagellating diatribes, loathing everything, snapping or crying at every tiny thing that goes wrong. Which is everything. All day long. Sounds like a lot of action, but don't forget the catatonia.

I.am.F'in.massively.depressed. Can't make myself do things that need to be done. Even little things. Days go by and I am not there. I'm not in it. The day. Except I am. And it's overwhelming torment. How to describe? It's like feeling the pain of each moment, yet detached to where time and reality have no meaning. Because I'm not in them. By choice. Pummelled and floating.

How about a context clue, IZ?! I recently moved (did.NOT.want.to, but long story) a very very long distance from a place I LOVE to a place I knew I wouldn't like, but turn out to LOATHE. I'm not taking that well. At all. In fact, in major league denial. Like... I can't deal with writing my name in any kind of vicinity to this address, let alone do anything most people would consider normal administrative stuff. Because I.do.not.live.here, you see.

So basically, I am a horror show all day. By late night, I realize I've mellowed out. Not sure exactly when it happens or why. I'm just as unhappy about the whole situation as ever. But, I dunno. Only part I've really figured out is that part of it is physical. It's really hot here. And I HATE heat and deal very poorly with it physically. Night has been the only (sometimes not entirely convincing) relief from that. So... it's the only time my brain can function. Other than that... ???

Trying to be out and about doesn't go well. Agoraphobia (I don't have it, properly speaking, but experience a lot of features when deeply depressed) started setting in. Then 3 days ago, in one of my efforts to combat this, I went out walking to accomplish 2 errands within about a 10 block space. And ended up having a full on breakdown spanning every bit of that space, in front of God knows how many people (small town). (Though, like at a parade, some people had better "seats" than others, and saw more action.) Like, if you missed any of the 3(!) times I fell to the ground, you really should've gotten better tickets. I joke as a defense mechanism. In reality, it was horrid and I'm still mortified.

It was the second full on breakdown in less than 3 weeks. The first one happened enroute in Nebraska, and the police became involved (thankfully, helpfully). (Facing wrong way in a big vehicle that couldn't back up on a little one-way road called I-80 anyone?!) Add, in the interim between the 2, physical things -- a trip to urgent care and a trip to ER with hip pain so excruciating, that apparently, I blacked it out, as there were only tiny unreal wisps of memory. I had to be told what happened. I do remember before going thinking that if I had a gun I'd not hesitate to use it. (After that, right knee kept giving out --better now, as are the other things. And one lower leg numb all the time, which remains, but is ignorable.)

It has most assuredly NOT been fun. As to what is going on, this has got to be a mixed episode (which I've had before, but this one somehow a bit different and much longer). What the hell is up with the time of day thing though??? It is like being 2 different people! My normal pattern is worst through better, am through pm (esp. late pm). But this is way more extreme. (Btw, I was very stable before leaving.)

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So that is what I wrote last night (or early this morning, depending on your viewpoint). I do not wish for, or even "predict" the bad day part, just describing what has been happening. Well, ****, again today, and in spades. (But not swearing -- yet anyway.) At about 6:30 am, BF gave me a bit of crap about being up all night. I felt the need to explain that I wasn't doing anything to do this, that it was happening to me, don't want it and that it's a mother of a mixed episode, probably the worst thing on the BP plate. Don't think he knows what they are, but definitely knows I've been gawdawful to live with. (I did sleep from about 7-2, btw.) Starting out today, I was struggling mightily to convince myself that my brain was being very very bad, that I need it to shut up already, that there are 3 reasons in my way today and instead to do pleasant distracting things that are hard to screw up (because we know how that's been...). So here I am. Stretched out on couch with my piggie (guinea pig), who is very cute and sweet. Please don't tell me to go to the hospital, because I won't. Also, I do not have a psych here and have been in no state to undertake such a search. Also, find searching to be majorly triggering and that's the last thing I need. My previous () psych had advised to up one of my meds getting here if needed, which we both anticipated it would be. It was. Started that later then should have --- just a few days ago and may need to up it another notch if it doesn't kick in soon. Sorry for the long post. Actually, still, it left out my thought patterns, which it really shouldn't. They're definitely relevant, but this is getting waaaay too long.

So, blah blah blah... what I'm looking for with so much blathering... Maybe just knowing that others can relate (and I'm very sorry for you if you can). Some ideas on why the 24 hour pattern. Maybe how to overcome the effects of the town breakdown, where I don't even know who saw, and subsequent fear of being seen ("hey, there's that crazy lady I told you about!") in a small town (15,000, compared to the half million where I came from) -- which is not unfounded. It's not that I run around thinking people spend their time thinking about me. LOL!). It's a fact, as it ever is, that they're wrapped up in their own stuff. But... I really don't fit in here, so do stand out. Certainly enough to jog a memory. Right down to hair, so trying to go incognito via clothing change won't work.

If you made it through all this, congratulations and a gold star for endurance.