IZ,

Your posts are never hard to sit through. You are much too interesting to find boredom here.

I can relate to this soo well..... too well. You know last year, this time exactly I was sitting here writing a posts that reflect this very well. It got so bad that at one point I was so physically and mentally agitiated that all I could do was pace for 16 hours on end for weeks. The year before, same time of year I was inpatient for the same thing, and last year I very stubbornly refused to go. I'm not sure if it was a good thing or a bad thing, since it dragged out for a good five months. But at the hospital I was given such an insane heavy cocktail of meds that I could hardly say my own name. I also broke up with my long term boyfriend for the first time ever, due to having zero feelings from the meds, which I mistook for having no feelings for him. So I'm not gonna lecture you about pdocs, or hospital.

The day/night time thing. I don't know, for me day and night have always been completely different with more separating them then light and darkness. It's almost like being two different people. For me during the day I am quite mellow, rational, logical, calm, and peaceful, usually more content and happy. Night tho, more chaotic, irrational, illogical, frantic energy, very emotional. What's going on there, no idea. Is it the moon, magnetic field, the quiet stillness? Past experiences that have taken place at night maybe?

As I recall, and I don't normally swear, but the last mixed episode last summer was the worst one I have ever had.... ****ing massively mixed!!

What can you do in the meantime to help? I wish I had some fabulous ideas for that. trying to get you back onto a normal sleep pattern, tho that's pretty hard when times are like this. When you are up at night, maybe you could try doing something like puzzles or whatever, like diciplining a child, not allowing the mind and body to run wild. Trying to keep them both in mind that it is sleep time, and if they are not going to go to sleep they can do something boring, to help get them back in line. I dunno it might help.

Upping your meds, it might help, depends what med it is. Mixed mood like this are notorious for being med resistant. Any antipsychotics on hand? Those have been the only thing that worked when i was in this state, and they didn't work that great, but some did ok. Mood stabilizers did nothing to help bring me back, not even combos of them. Last year I was put on three antipsychotics at once, at high doses, I actually went over the max dose for zyprexa and thats when things finally started to return to normal. And obviously I would not want that to be your choice. Just seriously try not to let it get to far ahead of you without getting some kind of help... yes I know, where are you gonna get help from.

The town thing, oh boy. I don't want to relate here but do. There isn't really an easy way around it. Hold your head high IZ!! It likely is a bigger deal to you then them. It's a small town and they will move on to the next new thing they saw quite quickly. Remember when I had to go to a party with one of the psych nurses from the ward. I was so freaked about it. But it went really well. And he saw some of the worst of me. Maybe they will thing something was physically wrong? When I see something a lot of times my mind goes to something like that, I don't usually assume they are just crazy. But mostly that's something that you probably will feel weary about until you go out and about and are successful in people treating you the same as ever. Kind of like proof to yourself that it's ok. don't beat yourself up over it, you did nothing wrong, this stuff does happen to the best of them. Maybe you can take it as a humbling experience and try to find some good out of it, I am sure you will a later point, maybe not right now.

You also get a gold star if you made it through my response IZ!

Please take care of you, having to move to a place you loathe is no small thing. I'm really really sorry that you had to do that.

I care about you a great deal, I really hope this is over very soon.