Your last sentence says a lot to me Anti Matter. I mean maybe this is something that you have done in the past. This is going to sound cruel but it is something that T1 addressed about my behaviour. My need to hurt myself, I didn't believe it at first but she was right, I kept texting my ex for months after the affair and saying horrible things to her only for her to attack me or just ignore me- leaving me feeling rejected and abandoned and I did this for a long time until I realised, actually I am doing this to myself because if I just didn't text her I wouldn't feel this bad. Maybe if you hadn't of contacted him you wouldn't feel rejected now?
I know its hard to hear and I am trying to help here because I care about this self destruction mode(t called it self sabotage).