Quote:
Originally Posted by carmasia
From a very, very young age, my mom always pounded in me "you don't share your personal problems with anybody". Over the years, I have become a master of that. I almost never talk to anyone about anything that I'm feeling, particularily stuff related to the BPD, and I'm fairly good at hiding my most extreme emotions most of the time. I wait until I'm alone in the bedroom or in the car and I yell and cry and talk to myself and I keep a journal which becomes extensive when things are rough. This not talking extends to my husband and my family. I worked really hard to talk to my husband about it, but he basically pooh-poohed the whole idea that I had an issue. Needless to say, it's almost impossible for me to open up again. The main reason I'm having such extensive abandonment issues now is because it was the first time that I opened up to anyone in many, many years and the sense of loss and betrayal is beyond words. Needless to say, I can write better than I can talk, particularily since I don't actually know any of you, but I'm scared that some of those feelings will eventually come out here as well since I'm talking openly and "spilling the beans".
Of all the people I know, I believe my mother-in-law has the most open mind and if anyone can understand, she can, but I'm terrified of talking. Anyone else feel this way? Anyone have any suggestions at all? I know that my issues will only be overcomed with the help of therapy, and I'm hoping that will come soon, but between the move and current lack of money and insurance, it has to wait. Also, does anyone know of any way to find local BPD support groups? Right now, you guys ARE my support group and knowing others are fighting the same issues has helped immensely, but in the end, it's not going to be enough. Please help of you can. Been feeling more alone than usual due to the move. I need your support.
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Hey carm, was this the thread you referred to in the other post?
I, like you, was also taught at a young age to 'NOT EVER talk about personal problems'. Basically whatever went on in my house as a kid was our business. Whatever went on in my head was my business. The world should NEVER know.
ALSO, I am like you in the way that I have a horrible time talking. First, I CANT talk...I even stutter sometimes when I'm trying to get things out...I feel I come across as extremely unintelligent because I have this verbal lag. I have to often stop in the middle and gather what I'm saying. Second, I can NOT open up to people. I had to
force myself (which involved the life or death situation of my alcoholism) to open up to my sponsor. My program of recovery suggests for me to confide in another person. This is hard. But seeing as how it was the drink or me, I
had to do it. Counsellors and therapists in the past have also been struggle. I've tried hard to be open toward people but I struggle with it on a daily basis.
Although, I don't suggest forcing yourself to open up to people. It left me feeling vulnerable and very scared. Like you, again, I express myself best via writing. It is just easier, it flows much better. I'm comfortable with it.
I always know that when I'm having a hard time opening up to someone, writing to them is the best way. As far as suggestions, hmm, I'm trying to think what I would be comfortable with.... certainly you're here opening up, you're safe and it's cool, people are supportive, yes. That is a HUGE start, carm...that's awesome. (Lost my train of thought, my stepkid needed something)...but I was thinking about this...
Because you feel comfortable in this forum, yes i would suggest finding a local bpd support group, if you can't find one locally, you can find one with a live online chat! (do they have one here?) That gives me practice in real-time conversations rather than words sent 3 hours ago. I think this would be a great start because you can open up to others with the same problems. This is the case in a RL support group. It is much more accessible than sitting there with a counsellor who is sometimes harder to open up to than those who've walked in your shoes.
I would try this first...I do know that in larger cities there are more than just 'alcoholics anonymous' groups. There are those devoted to recovery and support for a variety of mental health problems. Try to look in the same section as AA would show up in of your local papers. You may luck out and find a peer group.
It is also much easier for me to open up to someone when we're doing something together (weeding the garden, jogging, watching a tv show --only have to talk on commercials etc.) Then I have something to fall back on if I feel awkward or want to forget the whole thing. I'm not just 'sitting down and talking with someone' which can add tremendous pressure.
Maybe this helps, I try and talk to people but it's soooo hard. I say stick with what you're comfortable with now, and move forward slowly? This is all I got. Best wishes.
