what am I referring to?
You don't have to give up family and loved ones just to feel better.

I was referring to a situation that comes up alot when I meet survivors when I was in contact with my whole family.

Alot of survivors basically give their loved ones an ultimatum -

"you give up on the person who abused me or I can't have you in my life."

or

"This person abused me so I cant be in contact with you if you still like that abuser"

or

"you like him? But he abused me so now you are taking his side if you are staying with him."

Those are examples of ultimatums I have heard when attending various support groups, seminars and so on.

I chose not to do that. I flat out told my relatives. This person abused me. No I am not asking you to choose him over me. If you want contact with that person that is your choice. My choice for ME is that I will not have contact with my abuser. He is your husband, father, brother and so on I am not going to make you choose.

So then sitting in groups, seminars and so on I would get asked -

How can you like your mother, sisters, brothers and so on? they are still in contact with the abuser that means they have chosen the abuser over you thats not right. how can you heal if they are not on your side.

My answer back was -

What I can't go to therapy if they have contact with my abuser? I can't work on taking care of my flashbacks if they see my abuser? Come on healing does not depend on other people choosing sides. Yes my abuser was wrong in what he did to me but that does not mean my relatives are wrong in that they love their husband, brother, father and want contact with him.

whether or not they see him I can still do what I need to do to take care of me.

What to do?

take it one step at a time.

The first step is to throw everything to the side lines except what you need. You can't help them if you are falling apart kind of thing so the first step is getting yourself on track.

Do you have a therapist, psychiatrist or psychologist? if not that is the first step because they can help you put things in perspective and help you work on things one thing at a time.