after all this... life just cannot get better. It can't. I am alone. I always will be alone. they left me here. they are leaving me here. they hate me. I know they hate me. they tell me that they hate me. I can't stand this. I am tired. I don't want a future anymore. I don't want family. I have no friends anymore. I don't want to grow older. The only thing left for me is suffering. and I deserve it. I am outcast from both God and mankind. forsaken. i am not going to kill myself... that is too good for me and far too meaningless. there is no difference between life and death. they are watching me to closely.. i hate all of this. they know it. they hate it. I am nothing. I have been nothing. I will be nothing. everything is already decided. I just want to be alone forever. I want to collapse into a tiny ball and hide forever. eternity is so cruel. i hate that too. my fate. i can do nothing but smile and weep at this. smile, they'll never know... they want me to die. they don't know how close they are to getting their wish... I won't die yet... not yet... i hate existence of any form. it is all evil. what have I done. I deserve this. I will be eternally punished.