...I stare at the wall...!

I am not the only one, I often think like this....I am not the only one completely absorbed in the matt white enclosure I buy every week to shut out the world...
there are others out there staring at their own expensive walls coloured or not

I stare at the wall I see through it... it's not a wall it's a barrier in my mind I want to know where this self destruction came from damn it!

...I am finely tuned like a race car ...to perform. but curiously malfunction, all my emotional components are so finely tuned to break down dramatically it's a race to the finish to my death...and unlike a race car that might crash?...I will not crash on the way I must make it to the end to find the BLACK!

...it's a nasty habit to eliminate myself from this life over and over...

something disturbed me ....something I could not fix when I really needed to and I gave up and I was too young to overlook it I had childlike principles and I never changed I am permanently upset even when not deliberately...

I am a sad black bad habit backtrack ....permanently dissolved in an issue that I can barely remember it has sucked everything else in with it.

I am not the same

but what was I ever the same as?....just something better....and I won't give up giving in....to this baddest habit

I keep staring at the wall I must find the cause of this