Lately I've felt strange. Is it a good strange or a bad strange was hard to tell. When I stop and look at it, my inner world is calmer, no dramas or nightmares. But alongside that is the loss of that buzz, that feeling of eutopia that makes everything seem wonderful.

The past few months I've occasionally told T I don't get that buzz I use too from coming to therapy, but that doesn't mean I want to stop coming, but I miss the eutopia. T replied saying that perhaps my feelings are more based in reality now? I couldn't get that nor did I want too. It felt to flat.

This flat feeling is now connected to all parts of my life, not just therapy unyet it's not depression. I begun to journal last night to try & find its core and as I did I remembered something T said when I begun therapy with her about how my then alcoholism was a way of managing my mania. That too went over my head. But now I remember that conversation and the one about my feelings around therapy being real now and a another piece of the puzzle fits.

What I've been feeling is the breaking down of my manic defence. When I take a closer look at what I'm loosing, it's not such a wonderful thing. Because mixed up with al the manic eutopia was fear and pain and sadness. Infact it is like living in a Dali painting, where at first the colours and exaggerated images seem so magic until you are stuck in it.

This being more real takes a bit of adjusting too, but it does make living more manageable over all.