Today I was processing my life and came to my quiet and secluded spot underneath a bridge near a creek surrounded by a heavily wooded trail. There was silence and no-one could see me. I was processing my Borderline and my relationship with my adoptive parents. I was processing about obsessive thoughts and perceptions. I am 28 days sober.

What I learned was I do everything for a reason. I do things deliberately. Every chance is mine, each sober day gives me a clear mind to process with. My recovery is about leading me away from the lure of primal experiences of people, drugs and alcohol. I used back then for all the wrong reasons and justified these reasons as logical. I willed myself by sheer power of the mind into periods of depression, anxiety, mania and self destructiveness. Every thought and behavior is not without some form of control.

I am not hopeless or helpless. I have a good mind and worldly intelligence. I can choose to idealize and romanticize my adoptive parents but they are veterans of the same war as I am living through now. I am neither overtly manic or depressed. I am quietly content and in control of my behaviors, emotions and thoughts.

Every thought and every emotion or mental state is a matter of obsession and perception, everything is a choice, I make these choices that define the quality of my life, relationships and mental health. Being clean and sober gives me power over myself, not others. I can control myself and not idealize or de-value the experience and emotions of others. I must always ask myself why and process in a calm and unbiased view point.

I make a choice to love my adoptive parents in an unclear and confused state. They are human and imperfect as I am human and imperfect. I have strength and I have weakness. I have new clarity and confusion. Each day is a gift.

I can't let what other people think, define me or my emotions, they have a right to an opinion and to feel validated but it's my choice. I don't have to be anything like what people expect me to be all I have to be is myself. I don't have to avoid people or myself anymore. I have control.