I'm sorry that you are feeling so badly about yourself and about life. I wish I were full of wisdom and tips for you. It sounds to me, though, like you have not really accepted that you DO have a problem because you keep quitting your meds. You also say you binge and purge from time to time when you are low to make yourself feel better. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to start accepting that there is a problem and that you are working on it. Feel good about the fact that you are trying to get better and maybe you will feel better about yourself. Good Luck to you and keep posting.