I am glad to be of help Vader. But please try to relax a little, and not judge yourself so harshly. You're not a bad person for this. No one here is going to judge you for this, and I truly believe even if someone you knew personally understood what you wrote here, they'd understand as well. You are aware of this, and you are cognitive this isn't what you want to do. That requires morality of you, I believe.

It's going to be okay Vader. I still do think a therapist is your best bet, and you seem to understand that as well. I know time is certainly a constraint, but do keep the thought in mind. And do please be safe.

You're in my thoughts and prayers Vader. if I can do anything for you, please feel free to PM me. I wish you my very best.