I feel as if my depression is getting worse. Almost every night my mood completely alters. I'm a usually chipper person, but at night everything changes.

I used to think it was numbness, the feeling I'm so used to, but then I realized it was much worse. Numbness doesn't allow you to feel anything. But for me, there's something completely opposite of that, and that's worthlessness. I believe that's what I've been feeling. I'm well aware of my feelings and thoughts, wishing I was numb, but instead I'm trapped inside my head feeling like crap. I don't see a point in anything really.

It sucks having a psychological mind. I'm studying to be a clinical psychologist, so it's almost as if I'm torturing myself by allowing it to continue. I know I'll be fine in the morning, I know that I should probably do something while I'm feeling this way, but I just can't. There's something else that's holding me back from listening to the logical part of my mind.*

And during all of this, all I can think about is hurting myself, thinking that will make it better. I'll smoke loads of cigarettes, attempt to lose myself in another book, and even watch spongebob, but no matter what I do, the urge is trying to claw its way through. It wants me to give in, and I have no idea how I've been able to fight it for this long.

I hate going to people for advice, I always think I'll get judged or I'll just be completely embarrassed, but sometimes I just have to, like now. I like keeping everything in. I feel safe when I do that. I used to be so much better at hiding how I was feeling, and I always fantasize about going back to that. Going back to when no one knew I had depression. Going back to just helping people instead of receiving it. But I guess right now I'm desperate, so that's why I'm posting this. I'm just lost in my own mind and I hate it.