So many responses. Thank you. It means a lot that complete strangers would take the time to bother. How do you do it? I can barely manage to help myself let alone help anyone else and yet you all, struggling with your own issues, are also trying to help me.

texdave ...Thank you for saying I'm not a failure. I wish I could say it to myself. I've never thought of myself as superwoman or a perfectionist..quite the opposite in fact though I did believe I was strong emotionally. A long time ago, I stopped allowing things to hurt me...and almost nothing could make me cry. I'm not so sure that there is an actual cause for me to be depressed .... it might be a variety of things ...it might just be a pre-menopausal thing. Maybe a bit of both.

I think you are right on the money that people who haven't experienced this have a hard time understanding it. I had no idea before ..none whatsoever. I thought I did. I thought I could understand. But there just is no way to unless you've been here. I now understand why depression is referred to as the 'black dog'. It just shows up on your doorstep one day.

I know that its a disease. But others treat it as a failing... a personal weakness. No matter how much I said, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid I just can't stop crying right now." no one understood that I really couldn't. And they couldn't understand that I didn't know why I was crying.

emily_post - I do try to write in a journal but my normally good handwriting seems to have become not so good. I am misspelling so many words...it embarrasses me. English was one thing I was good at and now it seems even that I'm becoming a failure at too. I'm afraid to attempt the things I thought I was good at. I don't know if I'm good at them anymore. I don't know if being depressed is the cause or if I just was not so good to begin with. Maybe, I'm just having a particularily bad day today. I used to paint. I sold my artwork parttime. I even thought I might do it for a living eventually. Now I can't even pick up a paintbrush.

I think hearing some positive words from my husband would help a great deal but I haven't much hope in that happening. This is something that has been discussed throughout our relationship for years (when I wasn't depressed). We'll discuss it again but I find it harder now to do that in this frame of mind. Discussion is an effort like everything else these days.

sundance - I think the move will be good too. I'm ready to leave my job - lots of stress there. I do keep busy..I walk and do housework. I go to work. I do the things that need to be done. I think its the things that I used to love to do that I'm afraid to do. The things that gave me joy ..I don't get any joy from them now. Its hard to explain. I feel like I can't do them anymore. I've lost something. Its, like, I'm too sad or something to do them. I don't really know what I mean.

SkyBdark - That's it. Its some kind of weird cycle. Its like the painting thing. I want to do it but I can't bring myself to do it. I can't even go into that room. And I get even more depressed because I do actually want to paint. But its just such an effort to have to pick up a brush. And then I'd have to make other decisions. Its all just too much to think about.

I do think I just need some time. I go to my doctor again in a month. Will see how I'm feeling then.