Can somebody, anybody out there tell me why I keep beating my head against the same damn wall and expecting something besides a bloody head? I'm frustrating the crap out of myself but I seem powerless to stop it.

My birthday is Friday. I agreed to spend the weekend in Chicago with my 3 sisters and one sis-in-law. I get along with exactly one of them. They are all much older than me and didn't want anything to do with me till I was well into adulthood (I'm turning 39), then couldn't understand why I didn't suddenly want to be their buddy after years of their treating me like crap.

I *could* have stayed in town and had a pleasant evening with close friends, people who actually care about me. Instead, I'm putting up with people who have just informed me that 1) I'm expected to bring all manner of things, because I'm the only one who's driving; 2) I took the day off Friday for nothing, because none of them are showing up till at least 4 p.m. (Chicago is a 90-minute drive for me); and 3) *I'm* the fubar one because I resent that one of them hasn't had time to shoot me a 10-second email regarding a huge life-changing event I recently experienced.

Right now I'm stressed as hell because my PTSD (gotten courtesy of a family member) is rampaging and my therapist is making me deal with it. I've never told anyone details, and I'm having panic attacks over having to do that now, even in a safe, controlled environment. And yet I'm adding MORE anxiety for myself by spending this weekend with people I don't much care about.

Can somebody please tell me why I am so freaking STUPID?! Every time I hope it will be different, and then it never is, and it just adds more fuel to the fire of my self-hatred.