Thanks Wendy, Peanut and Chippie for your replies. What amazes me about religious difference is the fact that all religions are so darn simular. The construct of god/goddess/gods is basically the same--they are all unknowable (to the human psyche) forces that support us in our daily lives. Pagan spells are merely prayers with hoopla. The desire is to find inner and outer peace. The list goes on but I will stop there because I have had a long day but the point is with all the simularities is seems so strange that we--as in the human race--focus on the differences.

Personally I think that spirituality is absolutely vital in recovery. I have been trying to think back to times when I was not hurting myself for extended periods of time and I find that those times link up to times when I was working on some sort of religious rite. Planning for a celebration usually takes me an entire month which is spent in contemplation of the divine and my connection to it. During the planning time I will feel content and well. There are mild fluctuations of mood but they will stabilize quickly. Then the celebration happens and all the planning comes to its culmination and the ritual has been completed and I will drop into a deep depression because I have to move back into the normal world. The question is why, being pagan, don't I go ahead with all the marvelous celebrations and be connected all the time--what with full moon and new moon and 8 sabbats and yada yada yada. I could be planning something all year round. The aswer is, I am scared. My T said right out that I shouldn't delve into the mystical because I am mentally ill and prone to delusion. This statement connects nicely with my old programing of no self worlth. A celebration brings an ecstatic feeling that I don't deserve. Add to that the fear of delusion and hospitalization and it makes for a monster of a problem.

I watch the commercials on tv advertising those christian music cd's where the people in the audiance have their hands raised and are feeling the energy. That is no different then what I feel, the peaceful surrender to something greater then myself but in my case is it delusional? I have no childhood religious training, how do I know it is real? So much of what makes a religious experience special could easily be labled psychotic or delusional. I didn't dare mention to my T that I did a spiritual cleansing excercise and felt my spiritual body sink into the earth then circle up through the sky and flow back into my mundane structure transformed and beautiful. But I have seen the same thing happen in my husband's church to other people when they pray and their souls reach out to the divine.

I know that I have have gone way off the intent of the thread. I guess what I am trying to express is how important it is to be able to acknowlege to others that there is this part of us that needs nurishing but the current medical society has labled this important element of health as psychological pathology. I am squirming under the lable and trying to reconcile it in my mind but it just doesn't seem right. And because of the hotness of the topic it is hard to discuss it with other people.

Sorry this is so rambling. My dog bit someone else's dog today when it came into our yard and now I feel bad because their dog is hurt and I feel mad because if they would just tie the beast up so it didn't wander the neighborhood it wouldn't have gotten bit in the first place. This angst is amplifying my need in talking about my spiritual angst and so...I should just stop rambling and sign my name.
Carrie

<font color=green>But the implicit and usually unconscious bargain we make with ourselves is that, yes, we want to be healed, we want to be made whole, we're willing to go some distance, but we're not willing to question the fundamental assumptions upon which our way of life has been built, both personally and societally.--Bill Plotkin, Soulcraft