carmasia, thanks so much for the kind words/ support. yes its great advice to be careful about future relationships. i've been really working on that, and not very fearful about idealizing others like this in the future.. ive been learning i can get to know them slowly, and in groups, not share personal things with them immediately... to go through the stages of friendship with them, and not immediately share things that just like tie me to them. ive written down some personal boundaries too, that's helpful.

stratocaster, super helpful to read you, appreciate your input. what you said about avoiding expectations, as they are disappointments waiting to happen --- soo true. will think on that/ consider what my expectations are... also i really like that, trying to separate the real person from the perceived person.

also i totally think those thoughts! wishing they would idealize me too, or atleast (conceited i know) think something wonderful about me, or in some way gain validation from them. "being validated by someone who i think is so amazing" - yupp. seems like a lot of this is wrapped up around self-worth... ooo i really like that facts vs. fabrications. i will do it today, thank you

xxxispillcoffeexxx - good words from the articles. hm i haven't considered expectations so much... good to take into account. i liked the way that explained black/ white - extreme thinking, versus seeing gray... how things really are versus how we (i) want to see them. also this is good "removing yourself emotionally from a situation."... practicing objectivity...

...

so i hope its ok to level with you guys. i know this lady from another forum actually, she is an administrator there and counsels people through other issues. so my only real interaction with her is through the forum! ive considered even just leaving it for good, but i am sooo well connected there, consider them my family, have been there like 4 years, just find a good community there. where the obsessive thoughts come in --- i used to idealize other people, and i know this has transferred onto her.

a couple weeks ago i went to visit their weekly support group (where they physically meet in person - and i have met them before). we aren't even in the same state. i had just wanted to say hi to them all/ spend some in person time with them before a military committment of mine started. except now --- now all i think about in my mind is that parking lot and building where she works. like all my thoughts revert to that, or her, or my past interactions with her (or what she might think of me, or what i say on there, etc.). for example today, i knew she was coming back to work (it was labor day), and she would comment on all our stuff on that forum. she is extremely boundaried though, praise God for that!

she is aware i have issues with her, though im very sensitive to what i tell her as i don't want to be violating - and i really don't want to harm her in any way with my problems - and she suggests me to learn how to work it out, like instead of running away (or cutting off the whole relationship as i've had to do in the past) - to work through it, until i relate in a healthy way with her. she says its like learning to drive my emotional car. we swerve to the left and right, but with practice... we learn how to drive.

i have spent lots of time off that forum/ away before to try to help this. each time only "missing" it deeply, and feeling disconnected when i come back. ive worked hard to have a balance there with real life... (I dont spend all day there or anything, i live very much in the real world, though i do have some good friends i like to talk to on there/ see how they're doing).

anyhow sorry all the verbage. maybe more details about the situation can help? i welcome further comments or advice. thanks so much. looking forward to the list of facts vs. fabrications today hope you all have a nice day too.