Hi wild,
Thank you.

I can see what is available, it is right in front of me. I am fascinated by the wonder of the world. I am emersed in it. Nature: oceans, soil, plants, weather, animals, insects. People: smiles, eye contact, conversation, hand holding, embraces. Art: music, literature, paintings, theater. Abstracts: love, friendship, kindness, freedom, empathy, integrity..yet...

I can not see, feel, taste, experience or fully grasp these things. Not completely. I am weighed down by my obsessive, contrived, and fearful perceptions. I am trapped in my head: what will they think of me? do they love me? will I be alone? why am I this way? how do I heal? why is my passion so intense? if I paint this painting who will validate it? for instance...

rather than...why does water not hesitate? how is it possible that such complex ecosystems exist in the ground? how is it that artists can convey such emotions with such limited means? how much beauty and joy is in the world? does this painting I have painted express my own awe of the world? Does it inspire? ...I am missing it all. I am grieving for lost experience...

I am physically there, surrounded by nature (I live in a beautiful place) with like-minded artists, musicians and people striving to grasp at beauty, they see it, they breathe it, they live it! My thoughts consume so much of my waking time, I fall short of the joyful ,authentic experience of life!

I do not want my identity to be my disorder...even my desires revolve around it...I want to be free. I am searching for a way to ground myself, to live without betraying thoughts...

(DBT it is then)