Thinking of you Hamster, hoping you will come soon and say you're ok.

I agree with Anika, and it bothers me that you have to take all the blame for things you had no control over. It takes 2 in a relationship and there's no way he was entirely perfect the whole time, yet you are so more evolved and don't blame him for anything. I do find it very controlling of him to blame you for every one of his problems, and to withhold the children and his friendship from you. This is very hurtful and far from perfect what he's doing to you.

Hope you're ok