|
Hi. Not doing too well today. I’ve been working on my mask…the one I wear in public and sometimes with my wife. Why do I need one? To keep people and my wife from worrying about me. I am home alone most of the day. My wife leaves for work at five a.m. and doesn’t get home until six-six thirty at night. I have a dog and a cat to keep me company, but that isn’t enough. I need human contact even though I don’t want it. I know…it’s a contradiction. I am mixed and rapid cycling. Right now I’d say that I am feeling rather depressed. But at the same time I am flying high. My mind won’t friggin’ stop. And then the hallucinations come in. I know they aren’t real…at least I don’t think they are, but I never know. The voices are the worst…telling me I deserve to die or be punished; that I should hurt myself; or that I am worthless. I am not working because of the bipolar and PTSD. I haven’t been working in over two years. Last year I spent most of my time either in the hospital or in a partial hospitalization program. I even underwent ECT treatment…a lot of them. I have no family here besides my wife. My parents and siblings all live in the Midwest. I really don’t have many friends. Actually I’d say I really only have one friend, and sometimes I think she doesn’t want to be around me. I feel…no, I believe I have no purpose in life anymore. I was a high school English teacher for almost fourteen years. I taught American Literature to juniors. I was told that I was good at it, but now I don’t have that anymore. I tried volunteering at the public library but that didn’t work. I just got worse. I…during the day, I am holding conversations with imaginary people and I am having flashbacks of being raped repeatedly when I was five. My mind then turns to self mutilation or suicide. I fight the urges off, but what if I am not strong enough to continue. I have to keep the mask up. I am at a loss. I am frightened and confused. I feel more alone than ever though I know I have the support of my wife and family. I just want it all to go away. I want to go away. Not having a purpose in life is killing me. I feel useless…a burden to my wife, to my family, and to society. I sound so selfish right now. But I don’t care; it is how I feel.
|