I've turned into a bona fide shut-in. Around this time last year I quit school and started hiding in my room for most of the day. I was doing well and all but I didn't have passion for my degree don't know what I want to do with my life at all. Though I feel very sorry for my parents and want to get better it's very hard to actually get up and do something about it.

I've been told that I was easy to get along with but never had any close friends that I could confide with. Maybe this has something to do with the fact that I've been molested as a kid, it happened for months on end but I didn't have a breakdown or anything while it was happening, it was more of a dirty secret and affected me more after it was over and done with. Never told anyone what happened to me and was childishly convinced I'd die of AIDS before age twenty, things like that. Maybe it's this thought of "haha, I"ll never have future" that's messed me up.

I'm 22 now, probably depressed, I might have been for the most of my life. It's not exactly normal to think "I'll kill myself after this-or-that happens" since childhood, right?

But I've never followed through and it didn't seem serious, more like idle thoughts really. I thought I'd get through life normally until about four years ago when I also quit going to school. My parents found out (they seriously deserve better, but for some reason they've been very chill about me except for occasional outburst from my dad to the tune of "what the heck are you doing with your life") and allowed me to go to another university, things were fine until last year I quit again.

I probably, no, definitely need a psychologist but they're thin on the ground here (not to mention expensive) and I don't want to tell anyone this in person.

But it's been hard to keep going recently, suicidal thoughts have been at an all-time high (never seriously planned anything though) and I've been prone to randomly crying when alone.

I have been offered a part-time job, starts in five days but I've been dragging my feet with the requirements. It's not like I don't want to, I just can't muster up the energy somehow.

Sorry for being long-winded, and thanks for reading so far. Any suggestions on how to make this better?