I am also older than most everyone on this site. Like you, I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Don't apologize for being negative. It is better that you talk it out here. You say that you don't want to get better. It is your hopelessness that tells you that you don't want to get better, not the fact that you really want to stay sick. We all want to be better. We want different lives. But we are handed a set of circumstances in life and either equipped or ill-equipped to deal with them. I wish I had an answer for you, but I do not have one for myself either. I am sinking deeper into depression despite all of the medications that I have tried for decades. It is sad that we all come here to express our frustration because we cannot turn our lives around. Why is that? There are those that deal with life no matter what problems they face. But we have mental diseases and we suffer the consequences. I know that this reply is not uplifting, but nevertheless I wish you well and hope that you can take some steps to make a recovery from your pain and difficulties. We have to try something different if we are to move towards recovery. We do not deserve the pain.