I have talked some about this on other threads this morning, so I thought instead of bringing down other threads I would put this crap where it belonged.

Bipolar disorder by definition has affected me by sending me and my adrenaline into overdrive - hypomania- and then plummeting me into depression. that's what it does. That's all that everyone thinks it does to me. So whats the big deal then? I get happy then sad. That's what everyone around me thinks! Do they know it has caused me:

Social impairment - All through junior high, high school and my adult life I have been socially impaired cuz of this. I have never been included in a group of friends. the most I have ever had was one. I have never been to a school dance or had the opportunity to learn any of the many lessons most people learn growing up. I ****ing hate that.

Emotional impairment - I have really bad emotional problems cuz of Bipolar. They are not what they should be in situations. I don't know how to deal with them. Never learned how cuz they have always been so out of control. I cycled for years. I have had very little down time from the symptoms of Bipolar Disorder. I can handle mixed cycling like a pro. that's my big ****ing reward through all of this emotionally. But I can't handle a normal array of them.

Behavioral impairment - My behavior, cuz of the social and emotional problems, is also a problem. I don't act like I should in most situations. I am like a damn freak in a social setting and I just want to escape them. I should live alone but my wife carries me along. I have strength for her, but not when she is not around.

I was thinking about this reading the post 'those who dont have it, don't get it'. Man, that's the truth. Anika had asked me if I could see happiness in my future. Considering the above, Ha! how could anyone of us really see that? Am i just a freak here too? Surely I'm not the only one that has emotional and behavioral and social problems here. I feel mine are very severe. it's like it's a dangerous thing to build up self esteem cuz that takes a lot of ignorance and ignorance is something that doesn't last. Ugh... it's off my chest. thnx