tmarie there is a lot to comment on in your messages but i can wrap everything up simply by saying almost all of the things you are describing are because of depression. It is not that the depression brings you down, and then you feel all these other bad feelings and judgements... all those negative feelings are a direct result of the depression. Depression makes us only able to see negative things and to never let us even give benefit of the doubt to positive things.

The most important thing IMO would be to work on getting to a doctor and some therapy. Both are needed to fully treat depression, the two work together (although not everyone needs meds).

You say you are worried about what everyone else would think... but then you also say that you are upset with the way your are NOW and how that effects people. Plus you are upset yourself with how you feel because you know it can be better.

In the long run, you can resist treatment to "protect" the people around you, but go on feeling horrible, and effecting the people around you by how bad you feel... or you can seek treatment FOR THE BENEFIT YOURSELF. If you can feel better, don't you think the people around you will be happy that you are feeling better? They do care about you after all. And in the long run, it is likely that no one will care that you went to see a doctor for this. Those that do have their own hangups or ignorance or fears. That should not let YOU from seeking the help you need.

Good luch tmarie and keep posting here.

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--http://www.idexter.com