Quote:
Originally Posted by kazine
I don't have memories of what caused my DID but I know a lot about my alters... My main alter, Sophie, who is a sex alter, has an addiction to being abused. I just left a BF who also had DID and his alters were abusive to me (against my will) and him and his alters were abusive to Sophie during sex because she asked them to be.
In a break with this BF I ended up with a pretty normal bloke, who wasn't abusive. Sophie managed to convince him to choke her during sex. Now that I've broken up with my BF I'm getting close to another guy, who is very anti-violence. I'm happy with this because after what happened with my ex's alters being abusive to me I want to be as far away from that type of thing as possible. But Sophie still wants it.
I'm not in therapy so I can't help her that way. But I absolutely refuse to let her try to get this guy to treat her violently. I have liked him for a long time and he is the sweetest guy I have ever met and there is no chance whatsoever of her going anywhere near him. But I need a way to make this happen. How do I convince her to keep away from him? She likes to write erotica and explore her rape and abuse fantasies through them but I don't think it's enough for her, hence why she told my ex in advance that if she said no to sex that he should just force her to do it.
I'll probably tell the new guy all of this in time, but I don't want anything like that to happen with him. I don't think he would do it even if she begged though. But what can I do to help her and stop her from doing this? I really don't know... Waiting for therapy but it could be ages away :/...
Kaz x
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Im confused... you posted above ....
"there is no chance whatsoever of her going anywhere near him."
and then you posted above this statement...
"How do I convince her to keep away from him?"
not meaning to be rude or anything here but to me it sounds like the problem is solved..
if theres no way for her to get near this guy then there's no need to worry about how to convince her to stay way from him...
heres what I mean..
think of something that is out of your reach and ability to have... maybe its your favorite candy theres no way for you to get some so theres really no need for say your doctor to tell you to stay away from candy... its a non issue.
another example...a million bucks, everyone would love a million bucks but access to it was never in reach so no one needs to tell me hey stay away from the million bucks ....because its a non issue.
if theres no way for your alter to get to this guy then there's no reason to do this big confrontational thing of telling an alter they cant have whats not with in their reach.
now it would be a different thing for example if there was an issue where your alter ***can**** get to him, in that case well you say you know your alters good right what do you think will get this alter to stop with the abusive sex.
for me it wasnt possible to convince/talk to/or bribe my alters not to do what ever they did. my alters were so categorical (they had their own ways to be, their own jobs/purpose/reason for being) and when it came to this kind of thing it was just what they were created to be/do.. it was their purpose to seek out men who would abuse.
its like you, you have your own purpose, reasons for doing things and ways that you have to do things, and nothing will prevent you from doing what ever instinctual mannerisms, habits, ways of doing things you do. alters are just like human beings sometimes theres nothing anyone can do because how a person talks walks and thinks about things and acts is sometimes not up for discussion/debates/ bribes just because those things make a person who they are.
alternate personalities are the way they are because thats how and what they were created for.
the only other thing I can say is that if you want to try something like deprogramming /convincing an alter not to be who they are/ not to be doing what ever their purpose and reason for being is well that takes a therapist. we cant do that kind of work here on psych central because it would be considered performing therapy on our fellow members..
what I do know about alters and what happens when their purose/job/reason for being is no more...that means they are no longer needed and usually merge/integrate with the host..
my therapist said it to me the best way I have ever heard it...
"yes you have these embarrassing alters that are different than you are and they have different views on things like sex, religion, politics, but doesnt everyone? we dont set out trying to change a black mans views to a mexicans views do we? we dont set out telling each other which side of the political podium to be on, and we certainly dont go around telling our neighbors what kind of sex like they need/should/ have to have..why should it be any different for you and other parts of you? now theres a reason those alters are there, until we find out what caused them to come into being, what trauma caused them to be, and what in your thinking process at the time this alter came into being felt you needed to be abused, theres nothing we can do about it, on some level you believed or needed to be abused, if you didnt there wouldnt be this alter doing what you couldnt do for yourself..lets look at that side of things...when did you feel you needed to be abused during sex, what lead you to needing this kind of alter... when you know more about the trauma you went through and why you needed or have (present tense because if there wasnt a need this alter would have integrated already right, so why do you have a need to be abused?"
let me tell you that conversation with my therapist was complicated, hard and eye opening as we delved into my sexual beliefs, trauma relating to these issues, and ...well you get the picture.. after everything was worked out in my head and the abusive alters were no longer needed physically and mentally, consciously and unconsciously those alters integrated with me.