I can answer, “Yes,” to all of the questions.

As a child I used to believe that children existed for the sole purpose of being abused sexually - I thought that was my role in life and that of all children. Even now, while I hate to admit it, the idea of forcing someone into doing something sexual with me seems like normal, sexual behavior and an aspect of all relationships. Now, when in counseling, I am perplexed at how “love” manifests itself in relationships and sex? All I see is force, coercion, and overpowering someone else until they do what you want. Of course, I logically know that none of this is true, but it is still a mindset that remains with me, and I am absolutely horrified of sex now. People talk about it like it’s fun and enjoyable, whereas I can’t think of something worse than it, not even death itself.

I hate it when others talk to me about having children; there’s no possible explanation I can provide them about how much I don’t want children without talking about this. One of the longest held fears is that a woman will force me to have sex with her and have a child. To counter that, I am interested in having a vasectomy done as soon as I can, so I never have to have a child.

Although I don’t do it as much now, I have fantasized about being a child again and killing my abuser, because when I was in the 4th grade (about 9-years-old or maybe earlier than that) I pulled out a pocket knife on my dad when I was about to be beaten for making homework mistakes again.

Again, while I know these aren’t logical feelings, it’s hard to explain but I see abuse everywhere, like a constant cycle playing out in my mind. It seems so normal to me I suppose? Like I have been desensitized to it. I think and feel really horrible things towards others. (I HAVE NO ACTED ON THAT!)

I’m screwed up inside to be honest . Years of this does damage to a person.