hello, i am new here and haven't been on this forum. i am a 26 yr old childless female who has a question on sexual issues. from the beginning, when i was a teen, i was turning 16 and my virginity was taken away by a guy i met offline who was 28 yrs old. he never asked me if i wanted to have sex he just stuck it in without asking.

after that, i met another guy later on from online where we did sexual things. i did that for all 4 yrs in high school. it was nothing special all it was just pure drama on their part. i didn't have a car when i was legal to drive, so i had to rely on the jerks to take me back home or drop me off somewhere i could walk back home.

i dont know if you can call this sexual abuse or emotional sexual abuse, but they were emotionally abusive. i thought by having sex as a teen and with a guy who is college aged, would be most intriguing. other teen girls i knew had sex with college age guys and they said how they had such an experience.

my experience was just bad! the guys i met had such issues, race issues, people issues, and mostly women issues never knew that until after the fact and when i started to stop speaking to them due to the indecisiveness, rude attitude, women bashing, hateful attitude towards me all because "i didn't do what i was told to do."

i had my share of getting even with all of them and they still hate me to this day. i don't care i was right about them, i called them out for what they were and how much they lied a lot on everything. anyway, i thought by having sex would give me some experience. these guys call themselves "experienced" and i was in the learning stages but they felt i should have known what i was doing.

i remember in the bedroom, how they were putting their dicks in me like ramming it in and told them multiple times that it hurts to either slow down or just stop, they didn't listen and kept going. i yelled god dammit that hurt and it blew up into an argument calling me a whiney *****. i told him when a woman says oww that hurts how the hell does it equate to keep going? they said their exes didnt mind i said im not them! another prob i had to hear was well my ex gf liked it that way or this.

it got to the point where my vagina was sore or if i did **** sex, my **** was sore and one time it did bleed not severely. another instance a guy told me i would look better if i lost weight in my tummy and legs then he kept doing what he was doing like it was nothing! ooh after that, i just laid on his bed like a dead fish and refused to do anything. they knew i wasn't a size 2 so why did that comment just pop up during sex?

he also told me i wasn't hot that "he felt sorry for me," whatever that means and i have gotten a lot from the past idiots i met. they never explained what they meant by that it was a "mystery, only for them to know and for me to either never find out or the mystery will be solved soon," what kind of mind game is that?!

fingering hurt just as bad as penetration. doing these sexual encounters, i thought i was "being loved" that i was getting the nurturing i should have gotten growing up (yea i am in therapy). it did feel like love because one guy put his arms around me like it was a source of comfort. so after all of that, they took me home left me crying because of the emotional abuse they did. i had no choice but to take it because i had no car no bus money and the buses didnt run late and still dont in certain cities, so i could get home safely.

i let them have it on IM and told them what i thought of them. i knew the minute if i would have told them off they would either make me find my way back (why even offer to pick me up?) or hold me hostage. one guy told me online since i was such a ***** and if i would have said that to him in his car or his apt, he would have held me hostage possibly raping me until i "learn some manners." gotta wonder why they were single....?

if that did happen, not like my parents would have done anything. i can hear it now this is ur fault for meeting people off the net and this is the kind of crap weirdos can do, i hope they rape and kill you blah blah. yea, my own mother has said that to me and my sister for years yet her 1st born daughter is missing and one time married a drug dealer but my mom didnt bother to go save her mentally ill daughter.

on yahoo, i had to stay in hiding because if i was on my messenger, here comes the threatening IMs. reporting them did absolutely nothing and no i didn't go to the police. there was one guy at 18 where i met online that i did have to make a police report on him. i was 18 dont know why the fatty cop needed to speak to my parents but he took the report told me never talk to anyone online and said he would look into it. the fool didnt respond after i did that.

ok, so fast forward. i've been with my bf now of 7 yrs (met him off of myspace the only sane person i have ever met) and having sex for me is still difficult because i still have these flash backs and hear the negative name calling i have endured (endured a lot of name calling from my parents all my life).

he knows about the past guys b4 i met them. it is still hard to enjoy sex because i still experience pain - vaginimus. i was told by a previous gyno to go to a sex therapist not like i have the money for that. my vagina is pretty sensitive whether its penetration or oral sex.

right now, i am in therapy not for sexual issues for childhood issues. my therapist deals with family related issues not sexual issues. my therapist is having me to access my parasympathetic side instead of my sympathetic side so i wont be in the fight or flight zone. when my bf and i have sex, my legs will clam up and close subconsciously like my vagina is refusing my bf's ****. when he tries to go further, it hurts really bad same way when i go to get a pap smear.

does anyone have any advice/suggestions? i am on state insurance until i get a job with real insurance they dont offer much for help and they got customer service ppl on the phone who have no idea what they are talking about.