((ladytiger)) you've been through so much hope you know the abuse that happened to you was not your fault. and it most definitely was abuse. i didnt know what vaginismus was, so i just searched it and found a definition that it's the vagina muscles basically closing, due to anxiety:

an involuntary physical reaction to anxiety--the muscles around your vagina essentially spasm, preventing comfortable penetration (and sometimes preventing any penetration at all). Check out www.womentc.com , and their book, "Private Pain".

i'm so sorry those men treated you that way. No wonder you are not enjoying sex now, it's really traumatic what you went through.

i experienced some abuse by a guy when i was 15... and i carried it with me for so long thinking that it was my fault that i ended up alone with him making out in his bed. i was a virgin and had no intention other than making out, but i was in danger and no clue about how cruel people can be.

then at 17 i had a boyfriend, ended up pregnant and aborted. the whole humiliating process left me pretty tense down there. i remember an after checkup, i was terrified of the speculum with no sympathy from the dr, a woman, snapping at me to relax because she couldn't even get it in there, so she forced it in

well at any rate, here, now, it sounds like you have a really nice bf. it sounds like he's patient with you right? i hope so.

i'm no sex therapist, but i'm much older now and really like sex now (there is hope), have done a lot of reading like on the topic that i couldnt reach orgasm during sex, so i found a lot of tips on relaxing and getting really comfortable with your partner. one tip was wear socks... derrr... but it is maybe something about the pressure points in the feet and keeping them warm.

another thing to try maybe being intimate and leave your panties on, so you're sure no penetration is going to happen. or take a bath together, with no penetration intended. and let him know the plan of course.

i'm thinking the idea is to build new affectionate memories because you've had enough bad ones and to be gentle with yourself, giving yourself time to really open up and be ready.

and hopefully you can find a sex therapist before too long. i think some regular therapists might be knowledgable on the subject too. take care