Hi everyone,

I have never done this before and I am generally a very private person, so forgive me if I seem like I don't know what I'm doing. I am a 25 year old female and I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly three years now. We also dated in high school for a year, but broke it off amicably when I went to college and he joined the military. By the time we met again in 2009, he had been with 12 more women. During those four years, I had the same boyfriend on and off for the entire four years of college, which was not the greatest relationship, but during our off periods I had a few fairly miserable one night stands as a result of being too drunk.

I have been struggling from the beginning of this relationship with jealousy and anger towards my current boyfriend because of the other women he has had sex with. It was not only the number of women, but their quality and way that he dealt with them. The 12 occurred within just a few months (maybe 8?) and he had a lot of random stranger sex that he would continue for a few weeks or months, sometimes overlapping girls. For some reason this bothers me, though I rationally know that he did nothing wrong and that enjoying sex with others is healthy. Maybe I was in denial, but I had come to the conclusion that he felt much like I did about the other people I had been with: he regretted it and felt they were mistakes.

Last night he told me this was not true, he did not regret it and he enjoyed being with them. This changed my entire perspective on him and I broke down, alternating from raging anger to feeling suicidal and weeping uncontrollably. In my view, the women that he was with were trashy, stupid, and disgusting (He has told me about them, huge mistake, but my fault) and I can't fathom how one would enjoy their company. He says his relationships did not mean anything, but that he still had fun with them. The idea that he could have fun with and enjoy sex with these women that I think are so gross makes me ill. And please excuse my graphicness, but the thought of his penis inside me after having been in all those women absolutely makes me want to die.

I often imagine him enjoying sex with them against my own will and I want to end the imaginary show so badly, I would do nearly anything if I thought it would help. I am incredibly jealous and I feel like I am just one of many, an interchangeable part. I feel that I am not good enough and somehow his enjoying these other girls lessens what we have. I thought I was special in some way, but this makes that feeling disappear, though I know it shouldn't. I was seriously considering suicide, but I am too afraid of death and I could not do it to my family or my boyfriend. The emotions are so unbearable I can't do anything. I tried to read, go for a walk, write something, but nothing is taking my mind off of it and thinking about it is so painful I feel like I can't breathe. I was supposed to go to work and class today, but I don't know if I'll be able to with my puffed-up face from crying and this emotional instability.

I feel like I know all the typical answers/solutions to jealously, I've read a lot about them in the past three years. I know that this is irrational and I should be happy that he enjoyed his time with others. I know that he loves me and never has felt anything like what he's felt for me for any other woman, but that even if he did, it shouldn't bother me. I recognize that he is his own person and has his own life outside of me. I know he is normal and healthy and I am the one that is screwed up. He has been an incredibly supportive and loving boyfriend and he doesn't deserve my anger or jealousy.

I've thought about breaking up with him to save he and myself the trouble, but I have been too weak so far. It does not help that I know even if did I break up with him, nothing would change. I love him immensely, he is my best friend, and I just don't see this sick feeling going away even if he's gone. I also know that if I wanted to find someone else eventually, nobody would fit the little mold of purity and dedication that I want, as normal human beings enjoy having sex with random people and most people my age have already lost their virginity. It makes me feel hopeless and incredibly irrational.

I think I have mostly avoided any jealous outbreaks in the past (though that's not to say that I haven't had any, but most were towards the beginning of our relationship) by lying to myself about him enjoying it and trying my best not to think about it. In my moments of sanity, which is really most of the time, it doesn't necessarily bother me so much.

Right now I am crying and I feel an incredible amount of anxiety and anger. I am alternating between hating him and wanting to punch him in the face, to wanting him to hold me while I cry. Oftentimes I want him to hurt, and I try as hard as I can to avoid saying and doing hurtful things because I love him, but I don't always succeed. I both hate myself and him in times like these. It feels like a repeated punch in the gut and I might vomit. It does not help that I am also PMSing and I was dealing with a baseline smoldering anger the whole day yesterday when this was brought up. I also believe I am in withdrawal from marijuana addiction as I have just recently quit and I have had many other symptoms of withdrawal, such as: nausea, irritability, inability to sleep, anxiety, etc.

I am sorry for the wall of rambling text and I will be surprised if anyone answers at all. If I don't get some relief, I am afraid of what I might do. Please help me if you can.