yes I sometimes fantasize about me being abused..my treatment providers tell me for me this is completely normal. because of being abused as a child, I had an alter that was programmed with abuse tactics to abuse me/herself and to seek out those that abuse. when that alter integrated with me everything she was became part of me. there was also the element of the type of abuse I went through (sexual abuse), this in itself tends to leave victims feeling like they caused the abuse, that it is their punishment for perceived wrongs, add that to my having the alternate personality it was only natural thats what I am sometimes attracted to and fantasize about. luckily i have my wife who is a woman who understands the mechanics/logistics when dealing with this kind of thing so that when those times come up, my wife and I are able to add adventure, spice to our intimate times without taking things too far.

example when things are heating up and she can tell I have entered my own thoughts she asks me what Im thinking, tell her, she joins in with the fantasy but has a definite boundary she will not cross, and we use safety words so that either one of us may stop the fantasy/roll playing at any time. We also honor each others choice when the safety words have been spoken.

fantasizing about abusing children ...absolutely not. I know all the negative side of things being abused as a child left me with for my whole life so far and still having problems from being abused as a child.. I would never want to leave any child feeling like I do for their life, in my opinion from being a treatment provider of abused children and also going through it myself, child abuse no matter what kind leaves the child to grow up with life long problems. because I have this view that child abuse is wrong and only causes a child who cannnot protect their self with all kinds of life long problems and mental disorders my mind wont even entertain the idea of abusing a child, not even in my fantasies. I literally get sick to my stomach every day at work when children services walks in the crisis center with a child who is bruised, battered, sometimes broken boned, withdrawn, traumatized eyes, lack of affect (unable to show any feelings, unable to feel any emotions)...

to me fantasies are for self gratification and I dont get off on children. Im not saying its wrong for others to do so, only that its not me and its wrong for me in my book of self gratification whether its daydreaming, fantasizing, what ever. I know that some people who have been abused as children and do fantasize/become child abusers their self.

Ask any convicted child abuser around here where I live and work, they will tell you they started out fantasizing and then moved into abusing children that they have fantasized about... for this reason I always say to some one who comes to me with fantasizing about abusing children, contact your treatment providers. they can help you with this issue. to those fighting to stay in control of these kinds of fantasies again I say contact your treatment providers. they can help you accomplish your goal of not having these kinds of fantasies.

do I ever fantasize I am being abused for the attention..absolutely not. the attention I got when I was abused was questioned by teachers, questioned by the police, doctors probing where children should never have to be examined, questioned by lawyers, taken away from my immediate family until after the trial so my abusers could not have access to me, having to testify in court against my abusers, when I moved back with my parents after the trial the whole town knew what had happened to me, I was stared at, whispered about, called all kinds of names, bullied in school because of it, to get me a fresh start my parents packed us all up and moved us to another town, had to make new friends, new teachers, got held back because my grades were not good enough... gosh so many negative stuff which left me feeling ashamed, guilt ridden,...lots of feelings but none of them was enjoyment, none of them had anything to do with liking the kind of attention I got. I didnt even want to be in therapy because even that represented the terrible trauma and after affects I had gone through. So hoping/wanting/ fantasizing getting abused for attention was not an issue for me.

my fantasizing about being abused isnt about attention its more an instinct with me not a conscious act. I was programmed to be abused, just like a child who has a parent that hands over food every time the child cries, encounters something upsetting, that child is going to have an addiction to food, an unconscious instinct/urge to eat food when upset, angry...like a drug addict after being exposed and using drugs will have an instinctual urge for the rest of their life where they crave the drug of their choice.