Ok well now I kinda feel worse than I did a moment ago...the whole problem I am having is I am not doing a very good job of figuring it all out myself. If no one not even mental health professionals can help even just a little then I'm probably not going to live much longer honestly because I honestly don't think my body can take the stress for much longer...not to mention I smoke cigarettes(trying and failing at quitting) and though I have cut down on drinking I still drink quite a lot at times both of thosse things are certainly not healthy.

Also I do need to move out, being in an intolerable environment with people that set me off is not good for me or anyone else living here. I almost broke a door so yeah I have to leave...I haven't been kicked out its my choice but as far as I am concerned it has to be done.

And I am honestly sorry I vented about the credit card issue, I should have known I would have just been criticized about how I cant just expect people to hand me money...and how I have to work for what I want and should just try harder that is exactly the kind of thing that sets me off because I've spent my entire life trying to just try harder, blaming myself for always being wrong and not trying hard enough only to constantly be accused of it when I was putting all the effort I could into things it just was never good enough for anyone at all and still isn't...and here I was finally able to calm myself enough to try and get my thoughts together.....not blaming just should have known better than to mention it.

But to try and explain better I do not expect people to just do everything for me and hand me money. I just need some help because I am really struggling right now and not coping well with the stress at all, I've hardly been able to function the past couple days. It seems I am spending most of what I have on everyone else not just money(time, energy, everything) because I already feel bad about being so useless I constantly feel like I have to make up for it in some way. Not to mention I'm talking about borrowing money till I can get on SSI and pay them back. If I can if not then I think the most I can hope for is chronic homelessness, but hey if that's the way it turns out I guess I'll just have to make it work somehow or die trying.

I did try the 'do everything myself, try harder' route and all that did is burn me out and worsen my symptoms. I thought when I graduated highschool I could just ignore my symptoms and nothing could stop me if i didn't let it.......so I went to college when I was 19 thinking It would all work out finally. But that entire year of college sucked, I didn't really make any friends I had a boyfriend but after a while I realised he was just using me so I cut off contact and I was also drinking just about every night to deal with the isolation I felt not to mention my dad was in jail....which he is again right now. So I tried transferring colleges, when my dad was out of jail I went to Minnesota with him to stay with family and help my grandparents with working on the house they were building and I was going to try and get a job and go that route.......turned out I ended up being trapped in the forest with a bunch of alcoholics not very empathetic types so after a while that got to be too much, I also had a nasty experiance with anti-depressants so I had to miss a day of a temporary job I had gotten and got fired before the job was over. So then I moved back to Colorado to my moms house and after not being able to find a single job I decided to give community college a try......well of course being on a campus was setting of my symptoms and so It got to the point I couldn't focus and then couldn't even bring myself to keep going. It was only after all this I started considering SSI and even still I would really prefer to even just get a part time job but realistically I am really in no state to do so, I doubt I could even be hired. So I wish people would try to understand I am not just being lazy and expecting people to hand me money......I just sort of need something to live on and can hardly function in general let alone on a job. Not to mention if I do decide to stay at my moms house for a long period of time I am sure she'd appreciate it if I would contribute some to the bills......cant do that with no income so any way I slice it, it seems I should probably apply for SSI.

I mean it seems any time I do try to take peoples advice and push myself just a little harder...I just end up burning myself out by overdoing it and then I end up under more stress which causes the freak outs this post was initially about to happen more frequently......Its bad enough doing it at home or at friends/family members houses I can only imagine how horrible I would feel if I freaked out like that on a job.