it turns out my sister's listed some therapists for me, so i went (expensive, i feel guilty but treatment is needed at this point) and told her things i've never said to others before. it was humiliating and comforting at the same time, and earlier today i had a medical check-up.

i hadn't cried or felt hopeless all morning. it feels like i can actually do become a functioning member of society again. being part of this forum has been a big part of that, i think. thanks.