My sister ripped me a new one this morning. She crossed the line squarely into Mom territory, purposely poked a very sore spot and didn't think twice about it, just kept telling me about everything I do wrong and how bad I suck.

I had what I thought was a great, 2nd interview yesterday for a job I really wanted. When I left, the guy asked his secretary to set up an appointment for me with another person, leading me to believe I was moving forward in the process. I just got the EMAIL rejection form letter.

I have been very fragile lately anyway, but I am now officially shattered into a zillion pieces and deep into the abyss. If you are familiar with CBT techniques, my core belief is that I am a worthless piece of *****. I have made a lot of progress, to the point that more days than not I can believe I am OK, or at least fake myself into believing it. Today is not one of them. At this point, this LIFE is not one of them. I've been feeling like a fraud, and now I know I am, and everybody who has ever told me or demonstrated to me what a worthless piece of ***** I am is absolutely correct.

I would say I don't deserve to be walking around on this planet, but I don't WANT to be walking around on this planet. (No, that's not a suicide threat.) I want my own space back. I want to be able to crawl into a hole when I need to crawl into a hole, and not take crap for it. I want somebody to just freaking UNDERSTAND me. I feel like nobody even tries. They just think I'm weird and wrong in the way I go about my life and try to change it when I don't think it needs changing. And I'm too much of a wimp to stand up for myself, because god forbid I rock the boat, you know?



Candy