My Support Forums - View Single Post - Self-love

moremi · Sep 07, 2012, 05:05 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

So my ex urges me to get rid of my attachment to him as a pathological one (I've destroyed his life and now got attached) and instead live for a while without attachments, developing an attachment to self as a step that one just cannot skip on the road to healthy relationships.

So I take it, he is talking about self-love.

I am at my wit's end.

I was not brought up to love myself. My parents always were the first. Let me mention just a couple examples - I do not want to bore you.

At one point, I left a bf for another guy (who would eventually become my first short-lived husband) in a very cruel, in your face way. The bf attempted suicide by OD which landed him in a hospital (I still do not know whether he had bp or schizophrenia but who cares; ultimately several years later he did die of suicide but it was not in connection with me). Maybe a couple of weeks later I did visit him when he was already home. And we were sort of getting there - I clearly remember sitting in his bed in my bra, already without a top (I even remember the bra, it was a nude bra without lace). But... my grandmother called and said that my mother hit depression. I quickly put on my clothes and left. It never occurred to me that my private life should take precedence. It never occurred to me to say "Well, that is too bad, I think you should call her psychiatrist now. I am not a psychiatrist". No, no such thought ever crossed my mind - depressed mother was a command I could not not obey. Period.

From an early age, my mother put me through a torture of forcing me to listen to her regrets, when she was depressed. She even regretted having married my dad - and shared it with me, the product of their union! And it wasn't as if she shared once impulsively - no, it went on and on and on, in sick cycles.

My dad is narcissistic. That says it all. I won't go into examples.

After such upbringing, how am I supposed to love myself???

It is going to take time and a lot of work but you will learn to love yourself. You have to learn to be selfish sometimes. Make sure you put yourself first before your mother and other family members. The only people in your life who should come first are your children and even then there are times you have to put yourself first.

My mother was the same way, she shared her hatred for my father constantly which I felt a hatred for myself since I was a part of him. I have his deep dark brown eyes that she had to look at. My mother and her men always came first it didnt matter what it was we needed if mom wanted something it was never a question as to what we were getting. She would drag me out in the middle of the night to meet men in hotel rooms, once she took me and left for two weeks with me to one of her boyfriends houses. I guess atleast she took me but she left my brothers and sisters behind with her husband and I felt an obligation to care for them because their father was a heroin addict. I dont have any good childhood memories with my mother. All I remember is having to grow up real quick because someone had to take care of all the kids she was giving birth to.

Its just like we were talking about on here last night. Being the best you that you can be everyday. Thats all you can do. Retrain your thoughts. The next time they call and you are in the middle of something just simply tell them you cant be there you are in the middle of something and someone else will have to take care of calling the pdoc this time, then hang up and return to getting your groove on. When you're done with what you were doing you can always go and check on her if you like.

You have to live this life for you first, be the best you that you can be everyday. Some days are not going to be that great but others are going to be wonderful. Love who you are without being a caretaker. Who are you without being a caretaker? Maybe you need to find that out and get to know that person?