I've made my last therapist and a few others cry - from happyness, frustrtion, sadness - a whole range of emotions because of what I have went through and because at times I am rather deturmined to reach a self set goal regardless of what they think.

On a whole they love the fact that I am so determined but yet on the other end of the spectrum my deturmination sometimes works against the therapy motto that -

sometimes going slow and have everything on track along the way is better then getting to the end goal too fast so that in the end there is more work to be done because of all the residual problems that arise when going too fast.

I deffinately challened SKR's abilities to keep me at a pace in which I would not have other problems come up along the way. But her point was driven home in a very unexpected way - I was pushing that limit to what I could do and reaching for memories and so on that I was not ready for and the result was a very dangerious situation - a table got thrown and so we had to stop working on trying to locate the memory that goes with the nightmare that I am experiencing and deturmined to find out what it is. in the process not only did we have to stop working on the nightmare but we also had to do other work of accessing that memory piece and deactivating the trigger and or action.

Not only had I put myself backwords in terms of work but I also physically and mentally hurt SKR. Physically the table hit her in the knee, mentally it scared her to realize how unpredictable working with DID's really is.

There is absolutely no way to know what type of memories the therapist and client are going to accidentally tap into when they are taking care of the known factors - in this case we were just talking about the fact that my child had been put in foster care for the second time and I was actively suicidal while aware and somehow, somewhere during the conversation I switched into a (1 or more) memory piece(s).

Not only did I scare and physically hurt SKR in my determinated full speed ahead thinking but I also emotionally set myself backwards. I lost all trust in myself and the therapy process, I also lost a good amount of trust in whether or not any therapists ability to "catch me when I fall" so to speak. I didn't lose trust in SKR as a person but the fact was SKR knew me not only on a professional level but also on a deeper level than 16 other past therapy professionals did not but yet even she did not see this situation coming and or happening. So over the next few months instead of telling her things. It would build until I was again releasing by cutting. And my cutting escalated.

On my end of things I have always had DID so I don't think and worry about the problems and abuses that are my separated pieces of memories.

To me switching is just something that has always happened to me so its normal for me to suddenly be daydreaming and floating in la la land and when I come back its not painful and so on, I don't remember what I was phsically doing when acting out the pieces of memories. So for me its just same old same old - I just go on with my day like I normally do.

I used to set a goal and like having tunnel vision I would only see that goal that I have set, not the residual of problems that may come along in the process of reaching that goal.

Well that table throwing incident blasted the necessity of working at a slower pace just because I am DID firmly into my head.

So much so that when my present therapist (LL) co wrorkers forced LL to push me into working on things at a faster rate and with a deadline on top. I firmly planted my feet and flat out refused to do the work during therapy sessions. I don't want tables to go flying again and possibly accidentally hurt LL physically and mentally and I don't want to land back into cutting again for release.

Being determined and setting goals is a good thing. I still set my goals but now I because I now know there is a reason why therapists want clients to go at it, at slow even paces I do that.

As for the fact that my therapists do show me their feelings like when they laugh, cry, and show frustration - I don't take it personally anymore. I am glad they have that connection and trust in and with me that allows them to be excited, frustrated, sad and so on for me. Therapists are human and sometimes because I have shut off my emotions about myself and things I went through. So when my therapist is showing her feelings that kind of mirrors and teaches me what emotions are and that its ok to feel them and express them. I also trust my therapists to take care of their self. and not taking the blame when a situation frustrates them to tears is part of that trust in them.

Hang in there.