Wow. I am really sorry you are going through this. I can relate a little.

First thing, though, (if you haven't already done it), get to the doctor or campus health center. You both had multiple partners, and it is really important that you take control and make sure you are OK health-wise (he can tell you until the cows come home that he used protection every single time, and you can think you remember your partners using protection while you were drunk, but it's up to you to look after your own health at this point).

Once you do that you may feel a little better knowing you are OK in that dept. and there is no need to have concern there. Knowledge is power. Also, you may want to discuss your other feelings and symptoms with your health care provider. (I know you mentioned you are super private, but this is something worth sharing, as well).

I really would encourage you to speak with a T. Do you have a T or know of one that you can speak with?

Although, you were "on a break" (famous last words ), clearly you are not OK with what happened and are taking it very much to heart. There is something lovely to be said for that. But it's not healthy that you would take it so far as to contemplate hurting yourself.

Whether your feelings are "irrational" (or not) is irrelevant. They are your feelings, and you deserve to feel them, talk about them, share them and have them acknowledged and validated. To deserve the opportunity to get them out with a trusted, caring party who will help you find your way back on your path again.

My first long-term, serious bf and I took a very short break (at his request) right before he went to law school. After, two weeks, he called me and asked me out on a date I drove to his condo and the second he opened the front door, I could TELL he had been with someone else. It was written all over his face. I asked him flat out and he was absolutely stunned. lol! He admitted it, I ran into the bathroom, locked myself in, and was in tears. I had to know all the details (like you). He totally spilled it.

I forgave him and we got back together. I was fine actually. BUT HE could not handle the fact that I forgave him and was able to move past it. He literally became paranoid. I continued to be faithful as I'd always been. But he just broke down (maybe it was a little bit of law school, too). Anyway, he behaved unforgivably after that in an effort to try to gain control of things again for his own sanity.

I broke up with him and never looked back.

I also learned a lot (and at your very age about relationships, being in love, being with my best friend, infidelity, taking breaks, breakdown of trust, aftermath, forgiveness, etc).

There are very caring, supportive people here that have and will provide as much feedback and input as you request; however, it's also important to focus on RL self-care and get to the root of the matter so you aren't hurting so much.

Please let us know how you are doing.

Rose