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Old Sep 07, 2012, 01:48 PM
eloquentdisaster's Avatar
eloquentdisaster eloquentdisaster is offline
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Member Since: Jul 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
All right...
I would get right of the italics and quotes. The italics make you come across too strong, the quote around “normal looking child” make you sound defensive and critical at people's inability to spot a disorder in someone who doesn't overtly present.

"...past an appropriate age has a neurological disorder like my son does that..." Comma between 'disorder' and 'like' and after 'does.' 'Emotional seizure' is confusing. What does that mean? Instead, perhaps elaborate on it, be specific with what is actually does to him. Remember that the majority of your audience is probably not as informed about mental illness as you are. You deal with it, learn about it, not all of them do.

Get rid of the ellipses (...). They give the feeling that everyone should be reading more into the sentences than they actually are. You want to be clear in articles.
As well, don't add 'ect.' Either cut the sentence off there, replace it with 'and many other symptoms' or explain the other symptoms he has. 'Ect' sounds lazy.

"To get through a necessary trip to the grocery store, you have to be able to remain calm, because a simple “no” can bring it on..." Bring what on? As Cocoa said, give more specifics about your experiences. It makes the piece more relatable.

When you say 'acts babyish or like an animal' it sounds very negative. I assume your goal with this is to raise awareness that it isn't the child (or parent's) fault. Using terms like these sounds belittling. I would find a different, more explanatory way to relate the behaviour.

I would get rid of 'In my opinion, it isn't harming anybody.' It sounds preachy and defensive.

"but it also can affect the innocent siblings that may be present. Making them feel even more embarrassed and alienated than they already do" This should not be two sentences, it is the same thought.

"...their mom (and/or dad) is a bad parent(s)." That sentence sounds overcomplicated. I would just say 'their parents are bad parents' or 'doing a bad job' or something.

"Please next time before you judge, I just want to raise some awareness..." Comma after please, and 'Please, next time before you judge' should be its own sentence. It doesn't work in the same sentence with 'I just want to raise some awareness..."

Also, just as an overall, you have a lot of very long sentences with few shorter ones. This makes your piece harder to read, as there many times is more than one idea being given in a sentence.

I hope you don't think I was too harsh. I do really like the idea of what you're doing. It is very important for awareness to be spread about mental illnesses, and for the parent's of mentally ill children to get support. I really like that you add additional resources for people interested in further reading. This does need work, but its headed in the right direction.
Hugs from:
constantdreamer
Thanks for this!
constantdreamer