<font color="red">WARNING MAY BE TRIGGERING>>>
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<font color="purple"> (((((((((((((jax)))))))))) I do relate to what you are saying.... I honestly feel that my mom had me hoping I would be the fixer of all that was wrong with her marriage to my dad.... Of course I didnt fix anything... I believe this because when I was young I found letters that my mom and dad wrote each other when he was in an asylum.... As I got older I would periodically re-read those hoping to find that I misunderstand those letters, but no.... My mom never actually told me she didnt want me, but she said and did things that stated the contrary.... She told me that when I was a baby, toddler, and young school age, that when I was napping she would leave me alone in the house and run errands or visit neighbors up the road... The worst thing she ever told me was that when I was around 2 she tried to drown me in the tub.... Her way of trying to get me out of a hell life... My dad at the time, up til I was about 17, was a drunk, plus he has mental health issues, and he is a VietNam Vet with PTSD.... So growing up sucked..... Anyway, the timing of her attempt to get rid of me was not too long after she misscarried twins at almost 6 months.... My mom also has jealousy issues because she felt replacable where as my sister and I were his girls..... Now both parents try hard to make it up to me... We do now have a great relationship... They are Christians and are wonderful grandparents.... So there is hope... Unfortunately the truth I know will never be erased from my memory... So I constantly have that feeling that everything they say and do now is out of guilt and obligational love..... I do forgive them for all in thepast, I have come to understand much of the why's , I dont necessarily agree or phathom being that way myself, but thru counseling, talking openly with my parents, journalling, prayer, and analyzing, I do have a much more better understanding of the why's of their actions....

I wish you peace and knowledge that you are loved, wanted and cherished.... I am glad that you are here.... ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))</font>