I'm really sorry to hear your feeling this way, is there anyone you could talk to right now? Is there anything that works to help you sleep other than the xanax? Posting more about your feelings may help too get them out as best you can and get feedback and support And just think about how much worse you may feel tomorrow for breaking that promise to your T, I know you want the pain to stop and I can relate to that need to do it now by any means, but tomorrow you will have to deal with this weight plus the weight of a broken promise. It sounds like you're dealing with a lot I'm afraid if you add more to the list it may become even more overwhelming