i can relate, james, to how you feel now about change/frightening. for the longest time i didn't know any other way to live/alcohol... and letting it go, no longer my crutch, no longer my "boss", no longer the love of my life. change is scary but they say "no pain no gain" and it's true. i struggled, i gave in again, i returned to that place where i was shackled, controlled. what did it give me? no life, no real joy, no hope. couldn't live with drinking the booze, couldn't live without it.
i was at the end of my rope. yep, it had to take me there to notice the mass destruction of my life. i didn't want to live anymore. i had given up. but i decided to give sobriety just one more chance. if i failed i was done. i didn't really think i could get sober and stay sober yet i was trying this last time. so i fought for my life. yet i was terrified. i didn't even know who i really was. yet i tried with every bone in my body, just one last effort to quit.
i don't quite understand-well actually i do-what happened to keep me sober but each day i felt progress in spite of my fears. i discovered the real me. i discovered yeah, life ain't always easy but consider the alternative- a black hole, the void that would swallow me up in a new york minute. no i couldn't go back to that. i vividly remember an incident while i was drivin' to a meeting. canadian geese flew across my windshield. i actually noticed them and saw their beauty. i'm still experiencing that feeling 23 years later. why didn't i do this sooner? well it takes what it takes so i'll get out of the debating society and just feel grateful, to be alive and feel the joy of it all.